Sorry for the lack of steady updates, but my internet access has been limited at best. I've finally figured out the name of the town I'm in and it's general location, but for safety reasons I'm not in a sharing mood. Not that it really matters much, I've been trying to stay out of sight anyways, keeping inside when there's people on the streets and staying in an old abandoned factory out of town. This place is big enough that I doubt everyone here knows each other on sight, but still small enough that I worry about sticking out if I am seen. I'm not sure if the fact that I'm now blind in my left eye helps me blend in better or not, on one hand hetrochromia is rare enough to be a pretty identifying trait, but on the other, it's not like wearing a bandage over half my face really is any less obvious. Mostly I'm just trying to brush my hair so that it covers the left side of my face, since it's been over a year since I got a haircut this isn't too hard to do, the only tough part is living down the humiliation that this now officially makes me a "scene" kid. Either way I haven't really been noticed to my knowledge, I move around mostly at night and avoid the unfortunately regular patrols by local law enforcement.
It does look like some damage was done here, one arson and one attempted arson, from what I can tell from the local papers, I'm not ready to take credit for those just yet, but from what I do remember from when Caged took control it wouldn't surprise me if I was responsible. Also there's news of a man in the hospital who was tortured extensively, he had, among other injuries, his hands cut off, his eyes gouged out, and his tongue cut out. I... I'm not happy about that, but it sounds like something Caged would enjoy, it leaves the victim mentally and physically scarred, with no easy way of communicating who did it too him. I... He would pull something like that sometimes, and then just show up in the hospital and whisper in the persons ear, enjoying there panic when they realized who he was. That wasn't even the worst that was done, once he...
You know what, no. I am not going into that. There are some things I'm just not capable of reliving, even if I was techinally the tormentor, there's some things no one should ever have to endure.
The point is, Caged came here for a reason, and as much as I want to get out of here I'd like to know what that reason is. For now I'm just fishing old newspapers out of trash cans and trying to read them during the day. I'm also trying to do some research, they have a library here that isn't too tough to break into, there's like a special room with documents on the towns history or something that has a fancy alarm system, but I don't really need anything out of there. Mostly I'm focusing on anything that looks like paranormal or supernatural fiction, I don't expect to find any actual history books on the Fears or anything, but some stories hold a grain of truth, maybe if I can find something that sounds like either Phillip or the tall guy himself I'll be able to get my advantage back somehow. I haven't had much success, the library's selection on what I'm looking for is limited, but I did fond this one little book that's filled with short childish stories that feels more, well, Eldridge, than your average bedtime story. Picture Brothers Grimm crossed with H.P. Lovecraft, it's pretty strange, but the closest I've found that has any potential, so I "borrowed" it for my daytime reading.
All in all I've been pretty lucky, the police here seem on edge, but no one's found my current location, I haven't seen Slender Man in the almost two weeks I've been here, and while I've seen Phillip twice he didn't seem to notice me either time. Though it was strange because the second time I saw him there were several normal people walking around not noticing him, then again, the same thing has happened with Mr. Talls, too, so I guess I can't be that surprised. In any case that's about all I have that's relevant I have to share, I'll try to get on more often but as it is I'm lucky to get any internet. Hopefully staying here won't turn out to be a big mistake.
February 27, 2013
February 20, 2013
An Explanation
So yesterday the always friendly Fracture asked me a question anyone still reading this has probably asked: How did I come back from being well... "uncaged"? Believe it or not I've been working on this post for a little while now, but at the moment I'm trying to balance lots of things and so I don't have quite as much time as I used to to just sit down and shoot out a post. Still, it's something that deserves an answer if any of you are to believe I actually did make a comeback, so I'm going to try to explain how I managed it.
Like I already said in the comment to Fracture, I was more or less expecting what happened the night I tried to stop Phillip and let Elizabeth get away, in fact I had kind of been counting on it for a while. Anyone with an attention span probably realized that over time I was getting... let's say darker, and that I was posting less and less as "Free." The reason for that is that I was actively shutting down as much of that part of my personality as I could, right from the very beginning, suppressing it so that when I was ultimately... redesigned it would be so far buried that Mr. Talls would either not find it or not bother erasing it. It's not easy to shut down your thought processes and hide them from the rest of your mind, it takes a lot of focus and determination, the easiest thing to do (and mind you it's still tough) is to identify which events in your life were most central to shaping who you are, and associate them with a trigger, so that seeing or hearing a specific thing would bring them to the front of your mind, and then occupy your thoughts with everything except that one specific memory the second you are no longer focused on the trigger. To understand how hard that is lets try some practice: Think of something, anything you like, don't even bother with finding a trigger right now. Now, think of everything except that one thing, empty it completely from your mind and fill your head with thoughts that have nothing to do with that. Yeah, that's about as easy as it gets, i don't even feel like describing where I went after I got the hang of that.
Anyways my first trick was the most obvious: I hide from Caged on his own blog. Among the delusional ranting and pointless emotions I was able to hide messages to myself; stupid, simple reminders of who I was, hidden in Morse code in the commas and periods so "meaninglessly" thrown about, even Caged didn't notice, he merely celebrated a little bit as more and more pieces of Free were buried there each time he posted. I had anticipated him returning and using that blog once I got dealt with, meaning he would be exposed to the hidden messages and buried memories right away. Clearly that was my first mistake.
The next thing I tried to hide myself in was the music I occasionally posted. This was easier for me to do, so I tried hiding more complicated things there, more important memories, specific ideas, and towards the end actual thought patterns. It was never intended to bring me back the way my messages on Cage's blog were, only supplement me once I had control. Unfortunately I was less cautious about hiding them from him as a result, I was able to hide a lot in those, but I also lost a lot I tried to hide there, too. They were hidden too obviously, too sloppily, and that was my second mistake, and it cost me a lot.
I had planned to continue on with just those two methods, and maybe a few other, subtler ones, but my hand was forced too soon, I had to be myself to have the nerve to take a stand against him, but I needed some final thing to focus my mind into, some final trigger to call me back when I was to be sent out as His servant. So I made my final mistake: I chose the gun. The same one I took from that runner, and used to kill Joshua, and try to stop Phillip. At the time I thought it would be easy to recover, and that when released into the world again Caged would get it quickly to have a usable weapon. Unfortunately Caged got Phillip, and didn't really need any weapons after that, and Shade took the gun anyways. I... used that gun to kill him. After seven months of harassing Shade and North, while I killed, tortured, and.... worse... my way through anyone who got in my way... I... Caged, I guess- I don't even know if I can say what he was in the end was really a part of me- finally took back the gun and killed him. At that point I think it was actually a good thing. He had suffered so much because of me, even before Caged took control, and one clean shot to the head put him out of his misery. North... wasn't so lucky, "Father" was there to take care of him, he tried charging me after I shot Shade but the Slender Man just... fuck, I can't even relive that right now... But that moment, that was enough for me to get just a little bit of a grip on Caged, and start pushing him back towards the other triggers I had set up.
I led him to his blog, and to the music, and slowly I started creeping back in. But he fought me, all that time without the rest of me to balance him out he grew into something smarter and darker and stronger than he ever was before. I won, but not before he managed to do a lot of damage, most of it which I can't even remember right now. But now I'm back, I have him under control again and I'm not suppressing myself or letting him take over again, it's not worth it. No matter how much stronger his voice is now, I have him beat, and he's only the first of my demons that I'm going to defeat.
Like I already said in the comment to Fracture, I was more or less expecting what happened the night I tried to stop Phillip and let Elizabeth get away, in fact I had kind of been counting on it for a while. Anyone with an attention span probably realized that over time I was getting... let's say darker, and that I was posting less and less as "Free." The reason for that is that I was actively shutting down as much of that part of my personality as I could, right from the very beginning, suppressing it so that when I was ultimately... redesigned it would be so far buried that Mr. Talls would either not find it or not bother erasing it. It's not easy to shut down your thought processes and hide them from the rest of your mind, it takes a lot of focus and determination, the easiest thing to do (and mind you it's still tough) is to identify which events in your life were most central to shaping who you are, and associate them with a trigger, so that seeing or hearing a specific thing would bring them to the front of your mind, and then occupy your thoughts with everything except that one specific memory the second you are no longer focused on the trigger. To understand how hard that is lets try some practice: Think of something, anything you like, don't even bother with finding a trigger right now. Now, think of everything except that one thing, empty it completely from your mind and fill your head with thoughts that have nothing to do with that. Yeah, that's about as easy as it gets, i don't even feel like describing where I went after I got the hang of that.
Anyways my first trick was the most obvious: I hide from Caged on his own blog. Among the delusional ranting and pointless emotions I was able to hide messages to myself; stupid, simple reminders of who I was, hidden in Morse code in the commas and periods so "meaninglessly" thrown about, even Caged didn't notice, he merely celebrated a little bit as more and more pieces of Free were buried there each time he posted. I had anticipated him returning and using that blog once I got dealt with, meaning he would be exposed to the hidden messages and buried memories right away. Clearly that was my first mistake.
The next thing I tried to hide myself in was the music I occasionally posted. This was easier for me to do, so I tried hiding more complicated things there, more important memories, specific ideas, and towards the end actual thought patterns. It was never intended to bring me back the way my messages on Cage's blog were, only supplement me once I had control. Unfortunately I was less cautious about hiding them from him as a result, I was able to hide a lot in those, but I also lost a lot I tried to hide there, too. They were hidden too obviously, too sloppily, and that was my second mistake, and it cost me a lot.
I had planned to continue on with just those two methods, and maybe a few other, subtler ones, but my hand was forced too soon, I had to be myself to have the nerve to take a stand against him, but I needed some final thing to focus my mind into, some final trigger to call me back when I was to be sent out as His servant. So I made my final mistake: I chose the gun. The same one I took from that runner, and used to kill Joshua, and try to stop Phillip. At the time I thought it would be easy to recover, and that when released into the world again Caged would get it quickly to have a usable weapon. Unfortunately Caged got Phillip, and didn't really need any weapons after that, and Shade took the gun anyways. I... used that gun to kill him. After seven months of harassing Shade and North, while I killed, tortured, and.... worse... my way through anyone who got in my way... I... Caged, I guess- I don't even know if I can say what he was in the end was really a part of me- finally took back the gun and killed him. At that point I think it was actually a good thing. He had suffered so much because of me, even before Caged took control, and one clean shot to the head put him out of his misery. North... wasn't so lucky, "Father" was there to take care of him, he tried charging me after I shot Shade but the Slender Man just... fuck, I can't even relive that right now... But that moment, that was enough for me to get just a little bit of a grip on Caged, and start pushing him back towards the other triggers I had set up.
I led him to his blog, and to the music, and slowly I started creeping back in. But he fought me, all that time without the rest of me to balance him out he grew into something smarter and darker and stronger than he ever was before. I won, but not before he managed to do a lot of damage, most of it which I can't even remember right now. But now I'm back, I have him under control again and I'm not suppressing myself or letting him take over again, it's not worth it. No matter how much stronger his voice is now, I have him beat, and he's only the first of my demons that I'm going to defeat.
February 17, 2013
Update
Ok, so, I really have no clue where to begin, everything is pretty fucked up at this point. First off, at least some of the blood was mine, someone, maybe me, did a serious number on my face. Most of the cuts aren't too deep and will probably fade in a few weeks, but it looks like my left eye was almost gouged out, I can't see out of it and it hurts like hell, I've bandaged it up as well as I can, but I can't really do anything about it right now.
I have no idea where I am or what my current local reputation is. Well not, no idea, I'm in a house, it's abandoned, but it looks like someone lived here recently, which I'm not taking as a particuiarly good sign. It's in a pretty rural area, which is not comforting to me at the moment, but it might help me slip away unnoticed later tonight. I get the feeling staying here isn't a great long term plan, so as soon as can get out saftely and unseen I'm gone. There's a backpack here that Caged has used some and enough food, money, and clothes to last me for a little while, so I won't starve or freeze to death.
I've gone down my reading list and it looks like pretty much everybody I might have tenatively considered a potential ally is either dead or not talking anymore, with very few exceptions. This really sucks, but it doesn't really change my situation much, they would have had no reason to trust or help me anyways. Still, it just, it doesn't feel right.
And now for the really bad part: it's not just last week that's missing. There are lots of gaps in my memory now that weren't there before. I know for a fact some of those things were important, I knew Caged was going to take over, but it wasn't supposed to be for anywhere near this long. When I didn't take control back I started losing things, and all the most important knowledge I had, all of the strongest weapons I had in my mind, have faded away. I have no bargining chips anymore, no way through and no way out. I'm not an important peice in the game anymore, I'm just another pawn. Maybe that's all I ever was, but I don't even have any illusions about who I am now, and it's probably only a matter of time before good old Slender Man, or Phillip, or victim with a grudge, or one of any number of creatures of the night come to pick me off and be done with it.
...
I think I'm going to die this year, but I don't care. Because no matter how this goes down, no matter how I go down, I'm not going quietly.
I have no idea where I am or what my current local reputation is. Well not, no idea, I'm in a house, it's abandoned, but it looks like someone lived here recently, which I'm not taking as a particuiarly good sign. It's in a pretty rural area, which is not comforting to me at the moment, but it might help me slip away unnoticed later tonight. I get the feeling staying here isn't a great long term plan, so as soon as can get out saftely and unseen I'm gone. There's a backpack here that Caged has used some and enough food, money, and clothes to last me for a little while, so I won't starve or freeze to death.
I've gone down my reading list and it looks like pretty much everybody I might have tenatively considered a potential ally is either dead or not talking anymore, with very few exceptions. This really sucks, but it doesn't really change my situation much, they would have had no reason to trust or help me anyways. Still, it just, it doesn't feel right.
And now for the really bad part: it's not just last week that's missing. There are lots of gaps in my memory now that weren't there before. I know for a fact some of those things were important, I knew Caged was going to take over, but it wasn't supposed to be for anywhere near this long. When I didn't take control back I started losing things, and all the most important knowledge I had, all of the strongest weapons I had in my mind, have faded away. I have no bargining chips anymore, no way through and no way out. I'm not an important peice in the game anymore, I'm just another pawn. Maybe that's all I ever was, but I don't even have any illusions about who I am now, and it's probably only a matter of time before good old Slender Man, or Phillip, or victim with a grudge, or one of any number of creatures of the night come to pick me off and be done with it.
...
I think I'm going to die this year, but I don't care. Because no matter how this goes down, no matter how I go down, I'm not going quietly.
February 15, 2013
I'm back
Like me, all of me. Not Caged, I shut him up. I don't think he can take over again, but I have no idea what he did this past week, I only woke up today, covered in blood, too. What a cliche. I honestly don't know where to go from here, what I've done this past year was just... sick, and I can't say it wasn't me becuase it was but...
Fuck
Just fuck the no cussing thing I did, if ever there was a fucking time to fucking say the fucking word "fuck" it's fucking now.
I need to think.
Fuck
Just fuck the no cussing thing I did, if ever there was a fucking time to fucking say the fucking word "fuck" it's fucking now.
I need to think.
February 9, 2013
I see
I thought it was over, well even if I lose you won't win. Either way I'm going to have some fun while I still can. See you soon.
February 8, 2013
February 7, 2013
This is stupid
I looked at the other blog, nothing there but half realized ramblings, what even is the point of this?
February 6, 2013
So I'm here
After one of my more enjoyable missions for Father and taking my prize I found a note telling me to check my blog. Well I'm here. And nothing is diffrent. I don't know if the food thinks it's being clever or just misses my posts, but I'm not going to start typinig in here again just because some future dead person is a fan.
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